Eight Months

It's been eight months today, since i lost my sister. The anxiety from the mark of this day is starting to relieve, and i thought i would write my feelings down, for the first time. You know threw this whole experience i have fighted the urges to regret. I dont want to regret because i dont want to have to deal with that pain for the rest of my life. But i find myself miserable from the regret i feel about mine and michelles relationship before she got sick. I regret that our real sister bonding had to happen in the hospital. It tears my heart apart when i think about how many times i could have done more for our relationship growing up. And now i sit here alone at my computer thinking about the best friend i could have had. I think about what we would be doing right now, if she were still here. She would be graduating from high school next week and i know planning on going to school in the fall. She would probably come up to montana and stay with us for a good portion of the summer to be with the baby and i. I complain all the time about not having friends, i just want one friend who will walk with me or go to the gym with me or scrapbook with me or simply hang out with me. I would have had that friend. The anxiety is so immense my inside tighten up threw my neck making me incapable of swallowing. My heart physically aches in such an unbearable pain, i rely on that inner peace i know she put there to relieve the reality of what has happened. I miss her. but i know she's around. On a regular occurance I'll walk in on the baby laying on our bed by himslef laughing and playing with someone that i dont see. shes there. I just wish she was with me like that. I cant beieve it's been eight months, the number is so insignificat, it just that it's time. Time i could have had with her.